Veteran status

There’s a profound sense of accomplishment when you can say .. “I’m a vet”. What can you do with that though, besides a free meal on Veterans Day? I fought for the freedom of our country. I lost my friends, my battle buddies, my everyday heroes. And for what? To be afraid to sleep, not knowing what I will dream of next? To not be able to distinguish between friendly and enemy? To be afraid of the dark?

Yes, it’s true, I walk around some pretty questionable neighborhoods at 3am. It may look like I’m comfortable, but I am only wishing something to come around the corner so I can defend myself. You know, make sure I can still protect myself. Do I have a death wish? Oh, maybe. I’m going to die eventually, right? But I still have the skills to defend myself, so come on and try it. It’s going to be the only chance you have.

Anyway. Back on topic. We are getting ready to celebrate this country’s Independence. How about instead of celebration, we take note of the past, and continue to fight for the right to be free. Cause we are not free. We are all slaves to the government. Think about it. We can’t do a lot of things we want to. It’s illegal to smoke pot, the one herb that’s medicinal. It can save yourself from anxiety.. calm seizures. But nope.. you can’t have it. How many veteran soldiers are still fighting the same situation that you left years ago? Been 12 years for me and I’m still not back.

So you wonder why I’m a drug addict?

I don’t….

Missing the point

For the past few days I’ve been wondering what role I have in Chris’s life. I used to be privy to that kind of information. Funny how a year can go by with so much intensity, finding the way up and out is pretty rough.. Google maps couldn’t get my ass on track.

When I met him, the first moment my eyes found his, the electrical current we put out to each other could power KCMO FOR A YEAR. I don’t

know if he knows, but that’s where it started. In a split second… In a blink of an eye… Just like that.

It’s no secret that I’ve been lost without a cause my whole life.. but for the first time, my heart started beating, warmth ran through​ my viens. Electricity coursing through every part of me. I started believing. In myself.. He let me do what I  begged him not to. I fell hard and I’m convinced​ he pushed.. Hahahaha.. What a jerk.. Pushing defenceless.. little old me..
…. Give us another chance God, please. Show up for his heart like you did mine. Show his faith has not left him. Show him my love is forever, and that you custom made me for his heart. Or maybe you can just stop the madness and help me get over it.

DAMN GINA…… WHERE YOU GET THAT MUFFIN TOP….
GINA: ITS NOT A MUFFIN TOP, ITS A BUSTED CAN OF BISCUIT’S​

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Angel of Mercy

One year. One year is all it took for everything to not make sense anymore, when it feels so damn right. It’s as though my gift from above was smoke and mirrors. Why be so cruel, God? I know it’s not your intention to take everything good in my life and make lonely hearts club band out of my soul.

Where is the lowest place you have ever taken your mind too? People say I’m dark in my soul. But no.. that’s not darkness. Open your eyes to me shining bright for you to see. You can’t find your way home when you put your back to the wall. The North Star guided three humble Wise Men across land, through the desert to be witness to the miracle of sacrifice and forgiveness. We should all be that way. For isn’t the Son of God the way, the truth and the life?

Life. It’s a damn big word for us all these days. It should be sacred, and it should not be taken for granted. My love, in its entirety, was given to only 3 people. Our beautiful Bee, my butterfly, my soulmate Chris, and my best friend Nate. Losing Bee took my faith in God and trapped it in a box which lies within my doubt. Not of His existence, but I’m doubting His purpose for me. I’m a warrior for love​. But it seems only to be a mythical creature. My unicorn. But within minutes of meeting my three Wise Men (Bee, Chris and Nate) my whole purpose was redirected. Just to be given the chance to feel love from one is the blessing few receive, but it felt like I was deserving. I deserved the love in return. Mutual love…. 💯 💯 💯… No bull shit tainting words that influence the actions. But one by one, Bee… She went home, without the chance to say I love you my spiritual gift… Chris, my soul craving for the attention you once gave. And Nate, was supposed to be my ride or die.. what I could count on when emotionally I was close to dead.

Taken from my life without warning. Without care for what became of the shell left over.

But what about you Bee? I still feel you with me everywhere I go. Only you’re not there. I reach out to seek you hand, only to feel the heaviness on your heart. Weighed down by the sadness caused from your passing. I feel my heart weighed by the sadness caused by my failure of the promise I couldn’t keep. I deserve the punishment.. if that’s what this is.

Bottom line.. I miss us. I miss all of us. I’m not me without us.

The blue box

Day one… Yes, I had to start over again. Start with sleeping too much, crying till I can’t cry anymore. People have this belief that a drug addict is a horrible person who won’t change, who fucks everyone over, robs, steals for a “fix” blah blah blah. They​ don’t know who I am. I’m loyal to the point I break my own heart. And for what? Oooh, I know… Just for the attention. That’s what it is…. Well that’s the rumors. You think I like having to depend on my dependency? You honestly think it’s fun poking a needle in my arm or putting a glass bowl up to my mouth and get high? No it’s not fun, but nessesary to forget. Nessesary to jumble my thoughts into doing nothing but look twaked to the max. Wander the streets down in the hood at 3am where pretty little white  girls like me should not be. It makes me unafraid to die. I don’t want to die, but then again, I have nothing else to live for. Today marks the beginning of the end for me. I can’t even eat my Kraft Mac N Cheese. I love the blue box. I only wanted to be a better person because of him. Not for him.. but because the look he gives me makes me feel him from across the room. Because my soul wakes up in his presence. Because when he touches my skin, kisses my lips, I understand the true meaning of LOVE. I feel God’s love through a simple man. No one will ever be able to make me feel this way. Never again.. and why would I want to anyway? Just to have the devil take it again… No. Not again. I’d rather sit here with my blue box and pray God takes me soon.

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Welcome to my theme park

Before we get started, I’d love to introduce myself.

I’m a lover and a warrior, yet put my heart and soul on a shelf.

I leave it on the lazy Susan, spinning round and round

Making my self dizzy, with the whirring sound

Makes it harder to understand the situation that is at hand

Makes me feel moronic when clarity I demand

So I follow my cousins example, so on paper is my fights

You can find him here on WordPress #Rinehartwrites

I will have to keep updating, and feedback wouldn’t be so bad

Just please let’s keep it civil, my life’s rantings can’t be that bad. 

So what, I’m an addict. I have been for many years

I don’t use for satisfaction, but because it clouds my fears.

I’m a soldier for my country, a veteran, if you may ask

It’s part of my problem, and it’s also proven fact. 

I’ll let you get to know me. I’ll help you to understand

I never wanted to be this way, it isn’t what I had planned

This coaster ride is open, my words successfully read

Hang tightly though I caution, cause there’s no refund in my head