God’s gift

If loving you is all I do right, then life as I see it, well it’s at the very least a life that I am happy to be living. And knowing that you love me, no matter how much, I know that I will meet my maker complete.

You see, whenever​ you go through life without love in your heart, love given by another human being, you end up living in a state of non-existent chaos. Not sure what you are here for. You end up seeking out the “Best Choice” or “Always Save” brand of people and letting the real stuff go. I know cause I’m guilty of it.

I’ve settled in life. Settled for what some people said I was worth. Settled for the chance to not not be alone, no matter what I lost. I would pick up the shattered peices of my life and start over.

That is until you looked into my eyes and made me believe that you love me. ME! Not the usual me, but the me that only God knows. The good. The bad. The indifferent. The me that wants to be alive. The me that not only believe in those words that made me whole, made me love again.
You know what I went through? Do you know how hard it was to do that? How much faith it takes to get through the days you don’t want me. How the love you try so hard to hide, is so vivid in those eyes when you look at me. How many times have you tried to make it go away? More than you should. You told me once that you were so lucky to have me, that I was a gift from God. God gave you none other than me. But why?

To hold you always. No matter what mood you’re in. Because my arms, although small and weak, are filled with unconditional love. To be your rock when it gets too much because I have lived through hell, been given a life Job would have given up on. I have grown up without love, only to find a way to show people that love is the way to miracles​..

Faith, hope and love. These 3 things were given to us to provide for one another. And it’s said.. THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE. I fell in love with you the day you gave me all 3 things that God wants for us. You have me these things, not seaperate, but together as God intended. And you gave me love that defies logic, and that is why I’m not going to give up.

Once in a lifetime. Yes… Once. Don’t let it go. Don’t let it pass us by. Cause second best will never last forever…. And I don’t want to be always searching for you in somebody else. There is no person who is ever going to measure up. No person who is ever going to make me feel like you do. So hold on baby.. hold on tight to the God given gift we are lucky to have found in each other.

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Lightning and rain

In the lighting I could see the flashing of my life. A movie reel missing the most important things. Who wants to watch the sadness? Who needs to be reminded of the failures of life? It’s not usually a good idea to dwell on negative situations. There is nothing to gain. But then again what else is there to lose. It’s not like you have any more to lose. I’m not going to sugar coat life and I certainly won’t allow you to make excuses for yourself. The destruction is solely on you and you alone.
It was all just a thunderstorm until you added the rain into the mix.. Now we are at a distance in life where just one mistake can turn a tropical storm into a category 4 hurricane. We are far from the calm sea’s that had once anchored our life together. We are far from each other. Only faith that’s left is the knowledge that God paired us together. I still believe that. Don’t you? We have a love that defies logic. I’m not giving up.

Does it really matter?

I’m so stupid. I’m writing this all for the world to see, but chances are you willing ignore it like you do me. Why can I not hate you for what you have done? I’m so broken inside and I really need you to help piece my heart back together.
How do I know the things you say are true? How do I know when it’s all just talk. Till you get what you want out of me.. Why did you go from marry me to loathe me in just night? I finalize my divorce to be able to marry you and what… You don’t want me? Am I too real for you.. No baby, I’m not a dream..  I’m reality and​no one else can love you as much as I can.. and do. Keep hurting me and I will never be able to bring my self back to the land of life…

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What am I doin

Sometimes I get scared that I’m losing you. I feel like I’m never going to show you how great life can be. I know I probably don’t qualify much in this department, but I have had some really good times. There have been those moments where I couldn’t wait to see where tomorrow lead. I felt needed and wanted… Ready for the next phase in life. I was happy being me. 

Now, I don’t feel like you have the desire to talk to me. I fight you tooth and nail for just a moment of your time. Why? Why go from, “I want to marry you…” to nothing in a split second? I wont ever give up. You are the last person I will give my heart to. No one will ever have what you have… I won’t allow it. 

Undeserving

I believed you when you’d tell a lie
Don’t understand the reasoning why
Every time you choose to hurt me more
It’s one more last chance undeserving for
But still my love is fighting thru
Cause I know this isn’t you.
Take my heart and make it whole
It’s hurting and it takes its toll.
It’s up to you to make right this wrong
And love prevails all along.
Please my love come back to me.
Only you can set me free

No mas pantalones

Question… Who out there thinks that agreeing to something and doing the opposite is ok to do? You can say over and over to me, and I will believe you.

Superman,
That “S” stands for hope. HOPE YOU IDIOT. I am trying to be your Wonder Woman and every time I start believing in my life and your words again, you stop talking. You’re stealing away all my hopes. Slowly, one by one. There isn’t much left.. You should count this as a warning. I’m not sure if I can get my life better than before.. or even the same. I would die of heart break. I told you from the start. Don’t make love you. Cause I’m invested till death. I can’t do it half way. And I’m done doing it alone

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I see you.. I see you for real. Everytime those x-ray eyes burn into my soul. Don’t you Love me? I am Wonder Woman, your super-hero. Don’t hide from us. Wreck that phone booth baby. I got you.. I always will. But when hope runs out, I’m not going to live in misery. 

Punished for the thought

Now, being unable to process my thoughts in an orderly fashion most of the time keeps my ass planted in the seat.. Not that I’m lazy, but because I am usually freaked out by the unknown.

Around 12:20 am Central Time, I heard blood curling screeching of a vehicle’s​ tires across the roadway. Now, around this time, I’m usually sitting in my lawn chair, staring out into the black, wannabe forest that borders the apartment complex, waiting to be spooked by the racoons. But this crash sounded so close, it frighted me. I was scared for everyone involved. I could almost smell the faint odor of burning rubber.

I’m not in the greatest of health. For those who don’t know, I have Epilepsy. Flashing lights are one of the many triggers I have associated with my diagnosis. I’m supposed to be cautious of emergency vehicles at night. Not tonight.. Tonight, without a single concern for myself, before the crash even ended, I was rounding the corner and running at full Sprint (in Crocks) towards the sound. I didn’t think. It was if I was being drawn to the danger.

Needless to say, the crash was on the highway across from the Everyday gas station.. not to the right.. So dispite my efforts, emergency vehicles had already started to arrive. Which I am thankful for. Police, fire department and ambulance made the almost 1/2 miles before I could. My heart sunk when the sound of a second ambulance reached the scene.

I make it back to the apartment complex and I told my parents what I just did.. and in all honesty I’m a bit taken aback by the reaction. I felt chastised for not thinking about my condition. Look, dad… I don’t know what I was doing or going to do. I knew that the sound of that crash made me want to help. Can you fault me for thinking about the welfare of another?

Now, I still have no idea what happened… What or who was involved, but dear God, I pray.. beg and plead the individual/s survived. I feel like I could have been helpful if I would have made it. But help arrived in record time.

#Grandview, Mo

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Down hill giving​ up

There is a few things they don’t tell you when planning your adult life.

1: It’s easier to stay with parents when there is an extra bedroom and a little bit of woe is my life. ( Love you)

2: Friend is a word unused after leaving high school. In place of said word,  you should describe individual as “that one chick”. Or ” the one guy”.
   
3 People suck

4: you need a car or a hired chauffeur to get anywhere in a timely manner.

5. Love is evil . .   Yet without it , surviving is a choice rather than necessity

6: your best is never good enough, so just stop.

7. Heart ache is the new standard… Don’t let it happen to you.

8. If you want it bad enough, it will be there.. just out of reach, taunting you.

9. There​ is no such thing as a Justice System… Something is a little off..

10. Common sense is not that common.

So, when you’re out there adulting… Don’t forget to adult. Common sense is not that hard.. get it, or go away… There’s no reason to be within eyesight of those of us who believe in a better life.. my life may be looked down upon and labeled as another statistic, but I’m not a statistic. I just an addict who wants to not be.

Angel of Mercy

One year. One year is all it took for everything to not make sense anymore, when it feels so damn right. It’s as though my gift from above was smoke and mirrors. Why be so cruel, God? I know it’s not your intention to take everything good in my life and make lonely hearts club band out of my soul.

Where is the lowest place you have ever taken your mind too? People say I’m dark in my soul. But no.. that’s not darkness. Open your eyes to me shining bright for you to see. You can’t find your way home when you put your back to the wall. The North Star guided three humble Wise Men across land, through the desert to be witness to the miracle of sacrifice and forgiveness. We should all be that way. For isn’t the Son of God the way, the truth and the life?

Life. It’s a damn big word for us all these days. It should be sacred, and it should not be taken for granted. My love, in its entirety, was given to only 3 people. Our beautiful Bee, my butterfly, my soulmate Chris, and my best friend Nate. Losing Bee took my faith in God and trapped it in a box which lies within my doubt. Not of His existence, but I’m doubting His purpose for me. I’m a warrior for love​. But it seems only to be a mythical creature. My unicorn. But within minutes of meeting my three Wise Men (Bee, Chris and Nate) my whole purpose was redirected. Just to be given the chance to feel love from one is the blessing few receive, but it felt like I was deserving. I deserved the love in return. Mutual love…. 💯 💯 💯… No bull shit tainting words that influence the actions. But one by one, Bee… She went home, without the chance to say I love you my spiritual gift… Chris, my soul craving for the attention you once gave. And Nate, was supposed to be my ride or die.. what I could count on when emotionally I was close to dead.

Taken from my life without warning. Without care for what became of the shell left over.

But what about you Bee? I still feel you with me everywhere I go. Only you’re not there. I reach out to seek you hand, only to feel the heaviness on your heart. Weighed down by the sadness caused from your passing. I feel my heart weighed by the sadness caused by my failure of the promise I couldn’t keep. I deserve the punishment.. if that’s what this is.

Bottom line.. I miss us. I miss all of us. I’m not me without us.