I’m so stupid. I’m writing this all for the world to see, but chances are you willing ignore it like you do me. Why can I not hate you for what you have done? I’m so broken inside and I really need you to help piece my heart back together.
How do I know the things you say are true? How do I know when it’s all just talk. Till you get what you want out of me.. Why did you go from marry me to loathe me in just night? I finalize my divorce to be able to marry you and what… You don’t want me? Am I too real for you.. No baby, I’m not a dream.. I’m reality andno one else can love you as much as I can.. and do. Keep hurting me and I will never be able to bring my self back to the land of life…
I believed you when you’d tell a lie
Don’t understand the reasoning why
Every time you choose to hurt me more
It’s one more last chance undeserving for
But still my love is fighting thru
Cause I know this isn’t you.
Take my heart and make it whole
It’s hurting and it takes its toll.
It’s up to you to make right this wrong
And love prevails all along.
Please my love come back to me.
Only you can set me free
Well, how do you know when to call a friend a friend indeed? So much has happened in my life and even trusting someone in a friendship situation is hard to do. Hell, there are times when I can’t seem to trust my judgement. Not because of my actions, but because people are showing off their fake..
So how do you know? Well, I’ve come up with a few things that might be helpful..
1. They are grateful for you.. not what you can do for them.
2. The time spent is more valuable to you than the Jordans on your feet.
3. You’re not the only one laughing….
4. They help you when nobody else will, even though they don’t have the means.
5. They don’t hold on to the past… It’s a fresh start every day.. (A bestie will never go to sleep angry)
6. They get on their knees next to you to pray, regardless of what they believe.
Well, I’m not sure of anything else. I know I want all my friends to see that they can count on me. No matter what stage in my sobering addiction I am in.
Until that happens though, I’m going to be one lonely person in a crowded room..
Now, being unable to process my thoughts in an orderly fashion most of the time keeps my ass planted in the seat.. Not that I’m lazy, but because I am usually freaked out by the unknown.
Around 12:20 am Central Time, I heard blood curling screeching of a vehicle’s tires across the roadway. Now, around this time, I’m usually sitting in my lawn chair, staring out into the black, wannabe forest that borders the apartment complex, waiting to be spooked by the racoons. But this crash sounded so close, it frighted me. I was scared for everyone involved. I could almost smell the faint odor of burning rubber.
I’m not in the greatest of health. For those who don’t know, I have Epilepsy. Flashing lights are one of the many triggers I have associated with my diagnosis. I’m supposed to be cautious of emergency vehicles at night. Not tonight.. Tonight, without a single concern for myself, before the crash even ended, I was rounding the corner and running at full Sprint (in Crocks) towards the sound. I didn’t think. It was if I was being drawn to the danger.
Needless to say, the crash was on the highway across from the Everyday gas station.. not to the right.. So dispite my efforts, emergency vehicles had already started to arrive. Which I am thankful for. Police, fire department and ambulance made the almost 1/2 miles before I could. My heart sunk when the sound of a second ambulance reached the scene.
I make it back to the apartment complex and I told my parents what I just did.. and in all honesty I’m a bit taken aback by the reaction. I felt chastised for not thinking about my condition. Look, dad… I don’t know what I was doing or going to do. I knew that the sound of that crash made me want to help. Can you fault me for thinking about the welfare of another?
Now, I still have no idea what happened… What or who was involved, but dear God, I pray.. beg and plead the individual/s survived. I feel like I could have been helpful if I would have made it. But help arrived in record time.
There is a few things they don’t tell you when planning your adult life.
1: It’s easier to stay with parents when there is an extra bedroom and a little bit of woe is my life. ( Love you)
2: Friend is a word unused after leaving high school. In place of said word, you should describe individual as “that one chick”. Or ” the one guy”.
3 People suck
4: you need a car or a hired chauffeur to get anywhere in a timely manner.
5. Love is evil . . Yet without it , surviving is a choice rather than necessity
6: your best is never good enough, so just stop.
7. Heart ache is the new standard… Don’t let it happen to you.
8. If you want it bad enough, it will be there.. just out of reach, taunting you.
9. There is no such thing as a Justice System… Something is a little off..
10. Common sense is not that common.
So, when you’re out there adulting… Don’t forget to adult. Common sense is not that hard.. get it, or go away… There’s no reason to be within eyesight of those of us who believe in a better life.. my life may be looked down upon and labeled as another statistic, but I’m not a statistic. I just an addict who wants to not be.
There’s a profound sense of accomplishment when you can say .. “I’m a vet”. What can you do with that though, besides a free meal on Veterans Day? I fought for the freedom of our country. I lost my friends, my battle buddies, my everyday heroes. And for what? To be afraid to sleep, not knowing what I will dream of next? To not be able to distinguish between friendly and enemy? To be afraid of the dark?
Yes, it’s true, I walk around some pretty questionable neighborhoods at 3am. It may look like I’m comfortable, but I am only wishing something to come around the corner so I can defend myself. You know, make sure I can still protect myself. Do I have a death wish? Oh, maybe. I’m going to die eventually, right? But I still have the skills to defend myself, so come on and try it. It’s going to be the only chance you have.
Anyway. Back on topic. We are getting ready to celebrate this country’s Independence. How about instead of celebration, we take note of the past, and continue to fight for the right to be free. Cause we are not free. We are all slaves to the government. Think about it. We can’t do a lot of things we want to. It’s illegal to smoke pot, the one herb that’s medicinal. It can save yourself from anxiety.. calm seizures. But nope.. you can’t have it. How many veteran soldiers are still fighting the same situation that you left years ago? Been 12 years for me and I’m still not back.
So you wonder why I’m a drug addict?
One year. One year is all it took for everything to not make sense anymore, when it feels so damn right. It’s as though my gift from above was smoke and mirrors. Why be so cruel, God? I know it’s not your intention to take everything good in my life and make lonely hearts club band out of my soul.
Where is the lowest place you have ever taken your mind too? People say I’m dark in my soul. But no.. that’s not darkness. Open your eyes to me shining bright for you to see. You can’t find your way home when you put your back to the wall. The North Star guided three humble Wise Men across land, through the desert to be witness to the miracle of sacrifice and forgiveness. We should all be that way. For isn’t the Son of God the way, the truth and the life?
Life. It’s a damn big word for us all these days. It should be sacred, and it should not be taken for granted. My love, in its entirety, was given to only 3 people. Our beautiful Bee, my butterfly, my soulmate Chris, and my best friend Nate. Losing Bee took my faith in God and trapped it in a box which lies within my doubt. Not of His existence, but I’m doubting His purpose for me. I’m a warrior for love. But it seems only to be a mythical creature. My unicorn. But within minutes of meeting my three Wise Men (Bee, Chris and Nate) my whole purpose was redirected. Just to be given the chance to feel love from one is the blessing few receive, but it felt like I was deserving. I deserved the love in return. Mutual love…. 💯 💯 💯… No bull shit tainting words that influence the actions. But one by one, Bee… She went home, without the chance to say I love you my spiritual gift… Chris, my soul craving for the attention you once gave. And Nate, was supposed to be my ride or die.. what I could count on when emotionally I was close to dead.
Taken from my life without warning. Without care for what became of the shell left over.
But what about you Bee? I still feel you with me everywhere I go. Only you’re not there. I reach out to seek you hand, only to feel the heaviness on your heart. Weighed down by the sadness caused from your passing. I feel my heart weighed by the sadness caused by my failure of the promise I couldn’t keep. I deserve the punishment.. if that’s what this is.
Bottom line.. I miss us. I miss all of us. I’m not me without us.
Day one… Yes, I had to start over again. Start with sleeping too much, crying till I can’t cry anymore. People have this belief that a drug addict is a horrible person who won’t change, who fucks everyone over, robs, steals for a “fix” blah blah blah. They don’t know who I am. I’m loyal to the point I break my own heart. And for what? Oooh, I know… Just for the attention. That’s what it is…. Well that’s the rumors. You think I like having to depend on my dependency? You honestly think it’s fun poking a needle in my arm or putting a glass bowl up to my mouth and get high? No it’s not fun, but nessesary to forget. Nessesary to jumble my thoughts into doing nothing but look twaked to the max. Wander the streets down in the hood at 3am where pretty little white girls like me should not be. It makes me unafraid to die. I don’t want to die, but then again, I have nothing else to live for. Today marks the beginning of the end for me. I can’t even eat my Kraft Mac N Cheese. I love the blue box. I only wanted to be a better person because of him. Not for him.. but because the look he gives me makes me feel him from across the room. Because my soul wakes up in his presence. Because when he touches my skin, kisses my lips, I understand the true meaning of LOVE. I feel God’s love through a simple man. No one will ever be able to make me feel this way. Never again.. and why would I want to anyway? Just to have the devil take it again… No. Not again. I’d rather sit here with my blue box and pray God takes me soon.