Suicide Squad 

 Its been a while since I’ve expressed myself. I’m in a state of unawareness. Lost myself in trying to get away from the memory of happy days. Funny how things change in an instant. When two hearts come together and meld instantly, there’s bound to be bleeding when tragedy rips a hole right through the center. 

I’m trying to stich back the pieces that have torn. I know my skills in sowing are very poor. I didn’t take home economics in high school. Instead, I drowned in literature and became an artist without paint. I captured life to where it would be remembered always. And that’s where I lost my perception in fact and fiction.

But why not just sit here by me as we follow Alice through the looking glass… skip across oversized chess boards, get completely disillusioned by a cocky cat with riddles that’ll make you madder than the Mad Hatter, and have a quirky little tea party with the psycho and his closest friends. So much for Alice in Wonderland… this is more like the beginning of “Suicide Squad.” So how bout we introduce the main character. “Harley Quinn”

She’s the typical male fantasy, don’t you agree..? Sexy, smart, and has fallen head over heels for our local villain. The Joker himself. He’s a madman completely comfortable with terrorizing everyone. 

Anyway…

Harley Quinn and Joker. A love story that defies the concept we all have of the word “love”. The “Suicide Squad” is not really a movie about villain turn hero. It’s about the love of one soul to another’s,  and the length somebody will go to prove their love. In all the fairytales I’ve ever read, or watched on tv, the story of Harley and Joker is the best.

Afraid of losing the one who makes the other whole. Now that, I feel is a fate worse than death. I guess “Suicide squad” is not to be taken lightly. I know I don’t want to survive the loss of the love of my life. It’s been one shit storm after another,  and not having a ride or die would feel like… Well like death. I wish it were a Cinderella and her Prince life, but its not. It’s all just one cruel Joker

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God’s gift

If loving you is all I do right, then life as I see it, well it’s at the very least a life that I am happy to be living. And knowing that you love me, no matter how much, I know that I will meet my maker complete.

You see, whenever​ you go through life without love in your heart, love given by another human being, you end up living in a state of non-existent chaos. Not sure what you are here for. You end up seeking out the “Best Choice” or “Always Save” brand of people and letting the real stuff go. I know cause I’m guilty of it.

I’ve settled in life. Settled for what some people said I was worth. Settled for the chance to not not be alone, no matter what I lost. I would pick up the shattered peices of my life and start over.

That is until you looked into my eyes and made me believe that you love me. ME! Not the usual me, but the me that only God knows. The good. The bad. The indifferent. The me that wants to be alive. The me that not only believe in those words that made me whole, made me love again.
You know what I went through? Do you know how hard it was to do that? How much faith it takes to get through the days you don’t want me. How the love you try so hard to hide, is so vivid in those eyes when you look at me. How many times have you tried to make it go away? More than you should. You told me once that you were so lucky to have me, that I was a gift from God. God gave you none other than me. But why?

To hold you always. No matter what mood you’re in. Because my arms, although small and weak, are filled with unconditional love. To be your rock when it gets too much because I have lived through hell, been given a life Job would have given up on. I have grown up without love, only to find a way to show people that love is the way to miracles​..

Faith, hope and love. These 3 things were given to us to provide for one another. And it’s said.. THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE. I fell in love with you the day you gave me all 3 things that God wants for us. You have me these things, not seaperate, but together as God intended. And you gave me love that defies logic, and that is why I’m not going to give up.

Once in a lifetime. Yes… Once. Don’t let it go. Don’t let it pass us by. Cause second best will never last forever…. And I don’t want to be always searching for you in somebody else. There is no person who is ever going to measure up. No person who is ever going to make me feel like you do. So hold on baby.. hold on tight to the God given gift we are lucky to have found in each other.

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Lightning and rain

In the lighting I could see the flashing of my life. A movie reel missing the most important things. Who wants to watch the sadness? Who needs to be reminded of the failures of life? It’s not usually a good idea to dwell on negative situations. There is nothing to gain. But then again what else is there to lose. It’s not like you have any more to lose. I’m not going to sugar coat life and I certainly won’t allow you to make excuses for yourself. The destruction is solely on you and you alone.
It was all just a thunderstorm until you added the rain into the mix.. Now we are at a distance in life where just one mistake can turn a tropical storm into a category 4 hurricane. We are far from the calm sea’s that had once anchored our life together. We are far from each other. Only faith that’s left is the knowledge that God paired us together. I still believe that. Don’t you? We have a love that defies logic. I’m not giving up.

Does it really matter?

I’m so stupid. I’m writing this all for the world to see, but chances are you willing ignore it like you do me. Why can I not hate you for what you have done? I’m so broken inside and I really need you to help piece my heart back together.
How do I know the things you say are true? How do I know when it’s all just talk. Till you get what you want out of me.. Why did you go from marry me to loathe me in just night? I finalize my divorce to be able to marry you and what… You don’t want me? Am I too real for you.. No baby, I’m not a dream..  I’m reality and​no one else can love you as much as I can.. and do. Keep hurting me and I will never be able to bring my self back to the land of life…

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What am I doin

Sometimes I get scared that I’m losing you. I feel like I’m never going to show you how great life can be. I know I probably don’t qualify much in this department, but I have had some really good times. There have been those moments where I couldn’t wait to see where tomorrow lead. I felt needed and wanted… Ready for the next phase in life. I was happy being me. 

Now, I don’t feel like you have the desire to talk to me. I fight you tooth and nail for just a moment of your time. Why? Why go from, “I want to marry you…” to nothing in a split second? I wont ever give up. You are the last person I will give my heart to. No one will ever have what you have… I won’t allow it. 

Undeserving

I believed you when you’d tell a lie

Don’t understand the reasoning why

Every time you choose to hurt me more

It’s one more last chance undeserving for

But still my love is fighting thru

Cause I know this isn’t you.

Take my heart and make it whole

It’s hurting and it takes its toll.

It’s up to you to make right this wrong

And love prevails all along.

Please my love come back to me.

Only you can set me free

No mas pantalones

Question… Who out there thinks that agreeing to something and doing the opposite is ok to do? You can say over and over to me, and I will believe you.

Superman,
That “S” stands for hope. HOPE YOU IDIOT. I am trying to be your Wonder Woman and every time I start believing in my life and your words again, you stop talking. You’re stealing away all my hopes. Slowly, one by one. There isn’t much left.. You should count this as a warning. I’m not sure if I can get my life better than before.. or even the same. I would die of heart break. I told you from the start. Don’t make love you. Cause I’m invested till death. I can’t do it half way. And I’m done doing it alone

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I see you.. I see you for real. Everytime those x-ray eyes burn into my soul. Don’t you Love me? I am Wonder Woman, your super-hero. Don’t hide from us. Wreck that phone booth baby. I got you.. I always will. But when hope runs out, I’m not going to live in misery. 

A friend is a friend indeed

Well, how do you know when to call a friend a friend indeed? So much has happened in my life and even trusting someone in a friendship situation is hard to do. Hell, there are times when I can’t seem to trust my judgement. Not because of my actions, but because people are showing off their fake..
So how do you know? Well, I’ve come up with a few things that might be helpful..

1. They are grateful for you.. not what you can do for them.
2. The time spent is more valuable to you than the Jordans on your feet.
3. You’re not the only one laughing….
4. They help you when nobody else will, even though they don’t have the means.
5. They don’t hold on to the past… It’s a fresh start every  day.. (A bestie will never go to sleep angry)
6. They get on their knees next to you to pray, regardless of what they believe.

Well, I’m not sure of anything else. I know I want all my friends to see that they can count on me. No matter what stage in my sobering addiction I am in.

Until that happens though, I’m going to be one lonely person in a crowded room..

Punished for the thought

Now, being unable to process my thoughts in an orderly fashion most of the time keeps my ass planted in the seat.. Not that I’m lazy, but because I am usually freaked out by the unknown.

Around 12:20 am Central Time, I heard blood curling screeching of a vehicle’s​ tires across the roadway. Now, around this time, I’m usually sitting in my lawn chair, staring out into the black, wannabe forest that borders the apartment complex, waiting to be spooked by the racoons. But this crash sounded so close, it frighted me. I was scared for everyone involved. I could almost smell the faint odor of burning rubber.

I’m not in the greatest of health. For those who don’t know, I have Epilepsy. Flashing lights are one of the many triggers I have associated with my diagnosis. I’m supposed to be cautious of emergency vehicles at night. Not tonight.. Tonight, without a single concern for myself, before the crash even ended, I was rounding the corner and running at full Sprint (in Crocks) towards the sound. I didn’t think. It was if I was being drawn to the danger.

Needless to say, the crash was on the highway across from the Everyday gas station.. not to the right.. So dispite my efforts, emergency vehicles had already started to arrive. Which I am thankful for. Police, fire department and ambulance made the almost 1/2 miles before I could. My heart sunk when the sound of a second ambulance reached the scene.

I make it back to the apartment complex and I told my parents what I just did.. and in all honesty I’m a bit taken aback by the reaction. I felt chastised for not thinking about my condition. Look, dad… I don’t know what I was doing or going to do. I knew that the sound of that crash made me want to help. Can you fault me for thinking about the welfare of another?

Now, I still have no idea what happened… What or who was involved, but dear God, I pray.. beg and plead the individual/s survived. I feel like I could have been helpful if I would have made it. But help arrived in record time.

#Grandview, Mo

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